I had a great trip to San Diego and got back to Connecticut this morning Thanks to all for your emails. In tonight's post, what do you do after a breakup, and who has it easier, men, or women? I receive so many emails asking me this question, especially from those that have read my book "Making Partnership Choices." Allow me to say, I NEVER give advice. I do research, draw from my experiences and education, and state the facts. I'm a big believer in facts because the facts are the truth. I can be just as emotional as the next person, but only after I have reviewed the facts. I have been given a great gift. I have the ability to look at any situation, remove my emotions and evaluate. Once That's done, I add my emotions into the mix. However, sometimes it is not just about the facts. Emotions should play the role of guiding your decision only after you have accepted the facts, which many times is hard to accept. Before I continue, thank you all for reading my post two weeks ago on; Unbiased look at President Trump. That post has received the most views of any of my blog posts. As I expected, some of the comments on my social media platforms questioned my bias. We must always understand that people will perceive things in their own way, and I respect all comments and decisions. Also as I excepted, some did unfollow me. That is fine and their choice. It goes to further prove my point about bias. In that post I discussed in great detail the difference between facts, truth, and opinions. What it boils down to is this.
Facts are truth. The truth sometimes hurts and is not popular. Opinions only matter if they are informed or educated opinions.
Why did I note that? The answer to that question should be obvious. Now matter what the question, if you ask 10 people a question, you will most likely receive 10 different answers. Could it be they are all wrong? Who is correct? In one sense, they all are due to differences of opinions. The sad truth is, most people do not base their opinion by the facts. Actually, very few look at the facts before forming an opinion. Now that you are totally confused, let's move on. We all must face a bit of reality. We have all broken a heart or two along the way, and we have also had our hearts broken. That is a simple fact of life, and it starts at a very young age. Remember your first crush? When it ended, or never started, did you feel devastated? The truth is, the younger someone is, the impact is greater because they have not evolved to a point where they can understand and adapt. Often times, it will take quite some time to get over. As reported by supportiverealationships.org, Relationship problems are a leading cause for suicide, linked with over 40% of deaths by suicide. That percentage has gone up each year. Therefore, this is NOT a subject to be taken lightly.
Many parents underestimate the impact of a broken relationship when our children are young. As a 30+ year paramedic, I remember a time when a young person who say, "I'm going to kill myself<" and no one would take them seriously. It was very rare when that occurred. However, over time, and the frequency of those events started to materialize, people began to take it seriously. I have responded to many calls during my career when a teenager said it out of anger and had no intentions of doing so, but also many calls where the intent to cause themselves harm was clear and present. Every statement to that effect must be taken seriously. It is sad that any young person becomes part of the system for a stupid comment they made. However, if it saves on life, that is a positive trade off. In the past few years, young people are very careful about making those comments if they don;t mean it. Keep in mind, in their youth, teens have not developed the life experience and coping skills that they will learn later in life. Let's take a deeper look.
People have traits or characteristics that are built into our DNA. The effect of those traits will depend on factors such as upbringing, experience, and more. It is part of what I refer to in many of my posts as the human condition. One of those traits is, when you ask a friend or family member a question, most will assume you are seeking advice. It is who we are as a species. We are doing what comes natural. At times when my girl wants to just vent, she will say first, I'm not looking for an opinion. Just listen." Doesn't that make sense. Advice is the one thing that everyone is always willing to give. However, before you give or take advice, you must understand that most advice is based on opinion. The fact is, most people think that when they have experienced something in life they are now an expert on that subject. Ask anyone. They will freely tell you they had that happen to them so many times they are an expert at it. No one is trying to hurt you. Actually, they are genuinely trying to help.
However, when someone asks the question; "We broke up, what do I do now?" Everyone's first response is usually, "What happened?" On so it begins. A phrase I am sure you have all heard is; "There are three sides to every story." That is true. You have the story that the person is telling, the story the other person involved would tell, and somewhere in the middle is usually the truth. It's not that people are liars, studies show that almost 85% of people that tell a story will sway it towards them being right, and only 54% of those listening, will figure that out. Have you ever heard someone tell you a story that made them the villain? OF course not. Their story always sounds convincing. The question is, are all the FACTS being told? My point being, there are many variables. However, as people, when we are hurt, we need to talk to someone about it. Very few actually hold inside because they are hurt, and they want that hurt to stop. For some, that cost can be a high price to pay. Many have a support system. A support system might be a friend or friends, a family member, or anyone a person believes they can trust. Support systems are great. It's a great advantage if you have such a support system in place but you must be sure the people you speak to will be honest with you. Even if it means telling you something you do not want to hear.
There is always a risk when you or a friend does not tell the complete story, or in many cases, people take your story and put themselves in it. Often times this results in them remembering something that happened to them, and now the feedback you receive is opinionated based on their personal experience. Keep in mind that every situation and every person reacts differently. The best support system are people that will listen, not judge, not necessarily give you advice, but allow you to think through your own situation and listen to yourself. In many cases, people discover their own answers for a given situation. I always suggest that if something is bothering anyone that deeply, they should seek professional help. Professionals are individuals that have been trained in this area and can help you to sort through your problem. They are non-judgmental, and do not pick a side.
What are some other traits that are important? Is a breakup easier for a man than a woman, or one partner versus the other? In today's society, I do not like to refer to things as gender specific since now same sex relationships are widely accepted, as they always should have been. Regardless of anyone's opinion, people have the right to choose how to live their life, and not be scrutinized by others for their romantic choices. If anyone can answer the question as to which partner feels it more, I would not listen to them. However, there are certain gender traits and everyone has a different emotional threshold. The role that a person plays people play in a same sex relationship does not change the following. With that said, we can still look at some factors that could help. In a relationship, Women, as a rule, have a greater support system than a men. This is because women usually have a larger group of friends then men do, and they tend to confide in their friends more then a man does. Men have a macho stigma going on. When they have been hurt, most will not talk to a male friend about it for fear of being viewed as weak, or they are embarrassed. One thing that applies to most people, regardless of gender, is when asked if someone broke up with them, most respond, "Broke up with me, I broke up with them." That is very common. Most people do not want others to view them as being 'dumped,' as it is commonly referred to.
Actually, many men that decide to talk to someone about these issues will talk to a female friend before a male friend. They perceive it as less of a threat to their persona. Before you get all huffy, remember, we are talking facts not opinions. Facts that can easily be found through various studies on the internet. Women also comfort each other differently. IN GENERAL, most females friends will comfort their friend by placing the blame on the other person, and agreeing with their friend. This gives the person that was broken up with a feeling of strength. Regardless of gender, people always feel stronger in numbers versus when they are alone. Most men will play the macho role. I need to remind you that I realize I am using gender specific examples, but these traits apply to same sex relationships as well, depending on the role of each partner. Never forget that people are individuals. Therefore, there is never a stock response.
How does all of this apply to reality, and how does it answer the question? As I stated earlier, most of us, at one time or another, have broken a heart or two along the way. I can say I have, and mine has been broke as well. When looking at reality, no one wants to be the one doing the breakup. Most do not want to hurt another person's feelings. This is the primary reason that relationships go on for so long even after one person or the other has 'lost that lovin' feelin'. Another problem in today's world of technology is, it is always easier to do something of this nature via text message or email rather than face to face. That my friends is deplorable, hurtful, and completely cowardly and disrespectful. That is my opinion. Here is the link to a CBC article regarding how breaking up this way could actully be a good move. CBC.
How many friends do you have that have either ended, or had a relationship end via email or text message? Did you know that I have spoke to groups on this and the consensus seems to be that most people are hurt more by the way someone ended their relationship rather then the relationship itself ending. Believe it or not, by the time a relationship ends, one of the two people has suspected it might be coming but has chosen to ignore it until the reality happens. Nothing here is written in stone. However, history does dictate some traits of people in general. Some of these you may have experienced, been a part of, or witnessed. However, they are real. For most, suspecting something is is wrong and not knowing is more hurtful because it goes on day after day. When that occurs, the pain and hurt builds up over time until the breakup actually occurs. You must ask yourself, do you want to be hurt, or hurt someone, each day until it happens, or address it and deal with it? Ignorance of the facts will never change the facts. In my book Making Partnership Choices, all of these topics and more are addressed. More importantly, why they occur and how to avoid them is the take home message of the book.
HOW DO WE ANSWER THE QUESTION?
To answer the topic question, I would have to say there is no definitive answer because of the variables discussed. However, there are ways to help yourself to move on. Some people can exercise these successfully, others cannot.
1. Use your support system as long as it is the right support system,
2. Don't just sit around an think. Get out, stay active, and keep your mind occupied. More than once people have gone out and met someone new when they least expected to. Keep an open mind and heart. If you think back, you could probably remember a time when you were hurt and mEt someone new. The hurt went away very quickly because you now had something new to focus on.
3. Don't spend time wondering who was at fault. Most times you will never be able to answer that question,
4. Try to accept what has happened. It's OK to still love someone, but love yourself more,
5. Don't blame yourself. You may have not done anything wrong. Understand that sometimes people change.
6. Don't overeat or drink alcohol. These things can cause you be become more sedentary which will cause you think even more,
7. Thing about times in the past when a relationship did not work out. Know that you survived it and life moved on. It will again. Time is the best healer.
8. Know who and what you are. Be confident in yourself,
9. Don't follow are chase after the person who ended the relationship,
10. Sometimes writing about the breakup helps you to understand it better.
These are just a few, and there are many articles on the internet you can research. However, if you cannot get yourself to a comfortable place with it, or you are becoming depressed, seek professional help. Relationships ending is a part of life. One we may not necessarily want to see happen, but it does. The biggest question should be, how do I avoid it happening? That's where you need to read my book. As the phrase goes by a famous chef, "It's in the book." However, the best way to avoid it is through strong communications. Unless a relationship ends before it really starts, most times it is because things that upset people were held in and not spoken about with their partner.
By the way, that is the number one cause of breakups. Over time, things build up, people become aggravated, feelings start to change, and WHAM! It's over. Talking is easier said then done because most people become defensive when approached about an issue. Another human trait. Keep in mind, "it's not what you say, but how you say it." Also, some people are not communicators. You will try and try, and try again, and they just sit there and don't engage the conversation. They ignore it, or just won't talk about it. If that is your situation, you must ask yourself, is this the type of person I want to be with? Communicating is underrated. It is a vital part of a healthy relationship, and even more important to keep that way. Every failed relationship starts with a lack of communication. The other thing people do is wait. They do not have the courage to end the relationship for whatever the reason. You cannot control what someone does, but you can control what you do. If it's not working for you and you can't fix it, the longer you wait to tell the other person, the deeper the hurt will be.
I will close with this one thought for you to remember. Trust me it works. If you live your life this way, you will be a much happier person, and be hurt far less.
Always treat others the way you want to be treated.
Please feel free to leave a comment, or browse the site. Book3, the final book in the Life Through A Mirror murder mystery trilogy, Life Through A Mirror-When Murder Calls, is now available. The murder mystery series is now complete and available in Print, E-book, and Audiobook. In September, my love story, When Two Worlds Collide will be released. Oh, and don't forget, A Woman's Fear-Female Abuse is a must read for every woman, and yes, even men. All my books are available on all major online bookstores. This year we have branched out and opened a video production company, Altech Videos. Feel free to click on the name and check us out. My YouTube channel and Vimeo channels are growing. Feel free to check them out and subscribe to them if you would like. I am happy to add that last week, we broken the 4,000 subscriber mark. Please feel free to subscribe to receive a notification when a blog is posted by clicking this link. SUBSCRIBE. We do not share or sell your email information. All the links to my different platforms are below. Most of what I do as a writer revolves around my connection to my readers, so, LET'S CONNECT.
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