DIVORCE! (It's not always as it appears)
Introduction:
This post is a bit longer because the topic is so important. Read it. It's worth it. You might find out you are re4ading about yourself. A young lady emailed me and asked her name not be mentioned, however, she is from the Midwest. It does take time for me to get to every request because I receive so many each week, but I do get to them all. If you have a topic you would like to see me discuss, please feel free to hit the CONTACT button in the main menu and send me your request. Also, feel free to sign up to receive an email notification when a blog is posted. This topic is a serious subject that requires two short parts in order to address it properly. The first being, why do people get divorced, and second, how to avoid it. In all honesty, this topic can be multiple pages long, so I will summarize it. If you want to read more about this and other relationships topics, you can get a copy of my book, "Making Partnership Choices." where these topics and more are discussed in GREAT depth.
DO YOU KNOW SOME BASIC FACTS?
48% of people who get married get divorced before the end of their first year of marriage.
64% of second marriages end up in divorce.
72% of third marriages end up in divorce.
Those are sad percentages. Many years back people did not get divorced for a few reasons. Religious beliefs, it wasn't accepted by society, but mostly the laws were much different. Therefore, there is no accurate data for us to refer to from that era of time. I believe for anyone of those three reason, and others, divorces were not as commonplace as they are today. During those times, women did not have the equality, in one sense, that they have in today's society. Although in the courtroom, they held the upper hand because the courts primarily sided with the women. Men got it right up the rear, but I am sure many may have deserved it. In addition, the courts had to power to deny the divorce and force people to try to work things out. In most cases, this caused a more volatile situation. However, at times it also worked. Basically, it wasn't as easy to get a divorce many years back as it is today.
So let's look at today, because yesterdays are a thing of the past. Do you know what a "No-Fault" divorce is? Simply put, not matter what the circumstances, no one is at fault. A judge may look at special circumstances such as extended incarceration, domestic violence, and other issues, that may bend or twist the meaning of a no-fault divorce. For the purpose of this discussion, I am only speaking to the basic divorces with no special circumstance.
In any relationship, either partner can come home from work and find their partner in bed with another, or catch them at a bar, or meeting someone else anywhere. Years ago that was a slam dunk for the person walking in. Now, for the most part, a no-fault divorce is one where the court assumes that for the marriage to reach that point, it has already broken down. Therefore, no one is at fault. A great legal interpretation, but it doesn't do much for the emotional aspect. What does that mean? Everyone feels they are going to take the other to the bank. Meaning, get it all. Forgot it. No one person gets it all. Certain things the law allows for such as alimony, child support, etc., are a separate issue.
Research shows that over 90% of the cases where one party or the other tries to get everything from the other, which is what each one goes for, ends up in a roughly 50/50 split, unless there are other financial circumstances involved. Imagine how much money could be saved on attorney's fees if both parties just acted like adults to begin with. Yes, attorney fees can get quite high. In the tens of thousands of dollars, only to end up where you did not want to be at in the first place. My question is, what did you actually gain? Win, lose, or draw, the attorney gets paid. Therefore, if you paid an attorney say, 20,000 to get you 15,000, you gained NOTHING, except for possibly satisfaction. After the dust clears, you realize you did not even get satisfaction. Legal Beagle explains it pretty well. Here is the link to there recent article dated Feb. 2019 .
No-Fault Divorce States; The states that offer no-fault divorce without requiring a period of separation are: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Washington, Wisconsin and Wyoming.
No-Fault Divorce With Separation Requirement:
Some states require the parties to live apart for a minimum length of time before seeking a no-fault divorce. It's called a cool down period. The length of time required varies by state and ranges from 90 days to five years. The states that require a period of separation, and the minimum length of separation, are:
Alabama - 2 years
Connecticut - 18 months
Hawaii - 2 years
Idaho - 5 years
Illinois - 2 years
Louisiana - 180 days
Minnesota - 180 days
Nevada - 1 year
Ohio - 1 year
Pennsylvania - 2 years
Rhode Island - 3 years
Tennessee - 2 years
Texas - 3 years
Utah - 3 years
West Virginia - 1 year
You can see it is pretty much a countrywide trend. No-fault divorces are not about pointing blame, and has nothing to do with Alimony or Child Support. One of the main reasons this was enacted was due to the back log of court cases which many went on for years. However, this goes by the laws of the particular state. For example, in Connecticut, there is a thirty-day waiting and cooling down period. If neither party drops the case, about 90 days later, it goes to court and it's a done deal. However, financial issues could go on longer, but in most cases for the average person, it's one and done. Some states offer a mediator which can hear the case. If you choose that option, both parties agree that the decision of the moderator is final. You would need to check the laws in your state.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT WHY:
People get divorced for a slew of reasons. Here are a few and a link to a good article, HUFFPOST.
When two people get married at a young age, it may be they did it for the wrong reasons. As an example, a reason to get out of the house they aren't happy living in, or they feel they have been together for such a long time, it's time to get married.
Finding out they do not have the same goals.
Infidelity. All the statics on this any many more are in my book Making Partnership Choices. You would be shocked.
Complacency. After the trill is gone, people do may not pay attention to one another as much any more. They will stop doing the things that made them fall in love in the first place. One of my quote: "Relationships don;t die, people kill them."
Intimacy becomes less and less. Especially after kids come into the mix. It is a simple fact of life and time management. Two people must always made some time just for themselves as a couple. This is the primary reason for infidelity.
Now that the two people are living together, one, the other, or both, find out that they are not what they say they are. When you dating, no matter how much you see one another, it is completely different when you live together. Keep in mind, weekends away, a week vacation together away, is NOT the same as living together.
Money. That's a big one. It puts a great deal of stress on a relationship, and most people do not budget well. Another quote of mine, "People can have great sex and less money and be happy. They can have a lot of money and little to no sex and be miserable." The key is to find the right mix.
Lack of communications. People forget how to communicate with one another. They take the fact that they are married for granted. Therefore, without strong communications, there is not ability to resolve your problems. The worst thing to do in a relationship is keep it all inside and cause it to build up. All you have become is a walking volcano.
Everything is disposable. In today's world as you you able to read earlier on, getting divorced is easy. There is no stigma of shame attached to it. Therefore, rather then try to fix it, you dispose of it.
Lack of truth. Both people begin to lie to one another. Eventually one gets caught, and the trust is gone. No relationship will survive without trust.
The list can go on. With the exception of one or two bullet points, it can be any combination of the above that will destroy a new marriage. For second marriages, the general reason is that one or the other is not over what happened in their previous marriage and takes it into their new relationship. No one will stay in a relationship when they are being blamed for things they did not do. NEVER carry your baggage forward, and for God's sake, don't get remarried if you haven't let your past go. The past cannot be changed. You can only control the present, and plan your future, so get over it. If you don't, you are setting yourself up for failure. In third marriages, it is said that three's a charm.
GET OVER IT. A phrase so often used when we talk about a bad experience(s) from our past. The truth is, a person may get over some things. However, others may be so hurtful and painful, they may never get over it. With that said, no one should expect someone new in their to understand their issue if they do not discuss it with them. No one has a crystal ball. Should a person choose not to discuss it, they are not only being unfair to themselves, they are being unfair to the other person. There is no shame in feeling hurt or pain. It only becomes a shame when someone allows those things to affect their new relationship, which could end, or it causes it to hurt others. Most importantly, if someone cannot face these issues, they need to seek professional help because any relationship they make an attempt at will fail.
It is if you learned something from the first two. If not, than not so much. In most cases, by the time someone gets married for the third time, most people are set in their ways. Many settle because they desire companionship. They fail to see if they could accept the ways of one another. Therefore, they find they are simply not compatible when they finally live together.
I took a gal out once who told me straight out, "I was divorced twice. If you aren't ready to give me the things my other husbands couldn't, this won't work." My reply was short, sweet, and simple. "I will not be the guy who is going to make up for all you missed by others. That's is not my issue nor is it my place to replace what you never had. I paid the bill and left. A reasonable mind would think that by the third time, people would know what worked and what didn't. Many do, but more do not. Relationships are about acceptance. Can you accept someone else for who and what they are? Also, if you know that going in, you are foolish if you thing you are going to change them. Know what you are signing up for.
IN CLOSING:
Divorce is not a simple thing to figure out. People have physical and emotional baggage they never let go of. They often judge what is new in their life to what was old. Young people may not have experienced enough of life to totally understand the marriage commitment. Of course, this does not apply in every case, but we can't hide from the fact that divorce rates go up every year. Marriage is NOT a fantasy world. It is the real world. A world of hills and valleys, problems to be resolved not by one, but by two people with two different opinions, views, and personalities. It revolves around constructive communications. People can get married and keep their individuality while still being a couple. That is a healthy relationship. Marriage is a partnership, not an ownership. However, it must come with mutual respect. The thoughts and feeling of one partner MUST be important and hold weight with the other. Lacking in that area, is also a formula for failure. Marriages, engagements, and relationships, do come with expectations. Never forget that. The safest way to avoid the collision and not crash and burn is to talk about whatever is on your mind. Have an honest exchange of what those expectations are from the start. Avoiding any problem revolves around talking about them and resolving them. The sooner the better. When we add children into the mix, it becomes a whole new world of complications. If it fails, no one wins. Everyone suffers.
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