10 Things To Avoid Saying To An Ex - a guide to the do's and don'ts.

Caesar Rondina, Author | Public Speaker
3 days ago
7 min read

Promo photo with authors picture and blog title

INTRODUCTION: 10 Things To Avoid Saying To An Ex.

Greetings. Next month, I plan to try creating a video blog post. It's been a few months since we connected via that platform. My summer schedule is always very hectic. I received a great email from a gal in New Hampshire. This was my first email from that state. Anyway, she is a middle-aged woman who has been divorced from her partner for some time. They have kids, but they are grown. To sum it up, her question was about why she and her ex could not communicate without it always ending in an argument.

First, let me say that they are not reinventing the wheel. This is a persistent issue for many. To be a bit more precise, this affects about 30% of couples that break up. When you think about it for a moment, that is a high percentage considering they are no longer together. Of course, their disagreements can range from various issues, especially when children are involved. (Reference - Psychology Today)

In the interest of transparency, this post draws on both my personal experience and extensive research on the topic. That said, I am divorced and experienced the same issues as that 30% group. It got to the point where talking to my ex felt like someone was poking me in the eyes with pins and needles. After some time, I became so sick of it that I knew there had to be an answer—a fix to this horrible experience. I learned that both sides needed to learn how to communicate and avoid certain things. Now, well over twenty years later, we are great friends, and I can't remember the last time we had an argument. She has been remarried for many years, and I get along great with her husband.

Before I dive into this, let me add that this post is not about any breakup due to physical abuse. This is strictly related to communication difficulties. When we break it down to its simple form. There are two forms of breakups. One side or the other wants it, or both parties want it. Let's not complicate this any more than it needs to be or is.

Additionally, this concept can also apply to friends, family, or couples who live together. This is because we are discussing the topic of communication. The basic skill people lack. Let's get started, where we will discover 10 things to avoid saying to your ex for smoother communication and healthier boundaries after the breakup.

Navigate your feelings wisely, as navigating communication with an ex-partner can be challenging and filled with emotional minefields. The risk of reopening old wounds or causing misunderstandings is high; therefore, it's crucial to choose your words wisely. Let's get started.

I MISS YOU (or I miss the ways things used to be.):

While it's natural to feel nostalgic after a breakup, directly expressing that you miss your ex can lead to confusion and mixed signals. This statement might give the impression that you want to reignite the relationship, which can be misleading. If you're feeling nostalgic, consider expressing those feelings more neutrally. For instance, "I've been reflecting on our good times together," acknowledges your past without suggesting you want to rekindle the relationship.

YOU WERE THE BEST PART OF MY LIFE: (or put a but after it, but you still owe me for that vacation.)

Statements that glorify the past can be overly emotional and may place undue pressure on your ex. It might leave them feeling guilty or responsible for your happiness.

Let me give you an example. Imagine saying this during a casual catch-up. Your ex may feel the need to console you or question their decision to end things. Instead, frame your conversation around personal growth. You could say, "I learned so much from our time together," which highlights positivity without romanticizing past experiences.

I REGRET OUR BREAKUP: (or I hope you regret how you treated me.)

Expressing regret can lead to an awkward situation where your ex may feel the unspoken pressure to apologize or reconsider the breakup. This can open old wounds rather than allow both parties to move on.

By accepting the breakup and focusing on the growth you both experienced. Rephrase your feeling with positivity: "I've taken time to understand what I want from future relationships," which clearly shows you've moved on.

ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE? (or I've moved on and am dating someone new.):

As curious as you may be, this question can be perceived as intrusive or possessive. It indicates that you're still emotionally invested in your ex's new relationships, which can create discomfort.

Rather than probing about their current relationships, share something about your life. For instance, "I'm focusing on myself right now" shifts the attention away from your ex's romantic status and creates space for a more neutral dialogue.

I NEED CLOSURE: (or I don't care about what you want anymore)

Seeking closure can sometimes lead to unnecessary conversations that might reopen old wounds. Stating the need for closure can make your ex feel obligated to discuss feelings or events they've already moved past. These will almost always lead to arguments.

Instead of demanding a conversation, take the initiative to process your feelings on your own. A more productive statement might be, "I've been reflecting on our relationship and appreciate the good times," allowing for closure on your terms without dragging them into a heavy discussion.

YOU NEVER APPRECIATED ME: (or you were always too needy.)

If you are looking to start an argument, this is the one that will do it. Accusatory statements can spark defensiveness and lead to an argument. Instead of fostering constructive dialogue, such comments can push your ex further away.

Approach sensitive issues tactfully. You might say, "I remember moments when we struggled to communicate effectively," which opens a dialogue about mutual growth without blaming them.

LET'S BE FRIENDS: (or why haven't you returned my calls?)

Offering friendship immediately after a breakup can feel insincere, especially if emotions are still raw and unresolved. Your ex may interpret this statement as a ploy to get back together or might feel pressured to stay connected.

If you genuinely want to maintain a friendship later, let time pass first. A better approach would be to say, "I hope we can find a way to support each other down the road," which leaves the door open without the immediate pressure of friendship.

I HAVE SOMEONE NEW: (or you'll never find someone like me.)

This can be a crap shot and is usually used to hurt the other. Bragging about a new relationship can unintentionally hurt your ex. It can come across as trying to make them jealous or show that you've moved on quickly, which can lead to resentment.

If your ex brings up past relationships, respond politely but keep the details vague and brief. You might say, "I'm exploring new people," which communicates movement without implying superiority or disrespect.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHAT WENT WRONG: (or you always do this.)

Diving into the details of your breakup can be painful for both parties. Revisiting old arguments or grievances can lead to heated exchanges and negativity, which counteract any progress toward moving on.

man and woman pushing against one another

Instead of begging for a recount of the past, frame it around the future. Use expressions like "I'm focused on making better choices going forward," which underscores your desire to learn from past mistakes without revisiting them.

10: I STILL LOVE YOU: (or I just want to be friends.)

Professing love after a breakup can reawaken feelings that your ex might not feel. This can create uncertainty and may lead them to question their feelings or decisions. Or it can make the other person angry, since they are trying to move on. Also, you can rephrase by saying," I will always love you as a friend." This way, you are clarifying the type of love you are proclaiming.

Navigating communication with an ex-partner can be challenging and filled with emotional minefields. The risk of reopening old wounds or causing misunderstandings is high; therefore, it's crucial to choose your words wisely. These 10 things can also come in different forms.

IN CLOSING:

I added a couple of ways things could be said, but the solution is still the same. The central theme of communications is not to confuse or mislead the other person. Be clear and concise when you speak. Never lead someone on. In many cases, people split up and never talk again. However, when two people share children, communicating with each other properly is crucial.

Neither person should have anything to prove, and the well-being and welfare of the children should come first. Navigating communication with an ex can be a delicate balancing act, filled with emotional nuances and potential misunderstandings. By being mindful of what you say and, equally important, what you choose to avoid saying, you can foster a more respectful and peaceful post-relationship dynamic. Remember that the objective is not only to maintain your dignity but also to promote emotional healing for both parties.

Whether it's steering clear of blame, refraining from making comparisons, or avoiding unnecessary discussions of the past, hopefully, these guidelines will help you communicate effectively and gracefully. They worked for me. Ultimately, by practicing restraint and empathy, you are on the path to healthier interactions and the possibility of closure as you move forward in your respective lives.

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