This is a great topic because we all have to deal with this in our lives. I posted an email on Facebook and Twitter asking for what people would like me to write about. I never expect a huge response because by nature, people just read and leave their feeds. Some do respond. I received 62 emails. Some as far as Asia, and Nigeria had suggestions. How cool is that. I always respect people's privacy, so I never use their full name unless I have their permission. Out of the 62 emails received, 12 requested this topic or some form of it as a topic to discuss. It had the highest amount of interest so that was how I made my choice. If anyone has a topic of interest and would like to see in blog post, you can send it to me though an email on this website. For now, a big shout-out to Irene on the West Coast. You were the first one to respond with an email, and this suggested topic. Thank you.
Phrase's people use such as, " I hate to argue," or "I hate drama." Drama and arguing have two completely different meanings as words, as well as to different people. They are often times misused in context. Therefore, as a point of reference, thanks to Wikipedia and psycholgytoday.com, and if you're interested in the subject, you can read a good article about the medical condition BPD at this link. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder
Let's summarize and clarify a couple of things for reference purposes. Parts of this information along with many years of my own experiences have contributed to this post.
ARGUMENT: an exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated or angry one.
DRAMA: an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (BPD) - also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. BPD causes are unclear, but seem to involve genetic, brain, environmental, and social factors.
You can see by the definitions of argument and drama; they are completely different. The latter is a medical condition defined as BPD. It could affect both arguing and drama. I ask you to answer this question for yourself. How many times have you said to a family member, friend, life partner or co-worker, "Your not happy unless you have something to bitch about," "Your not happy unless you're arguing with someone, and have drama going on," or "If you're not fighting with someone or have drama in your life, you create it?" I have said those things or a variation of them many times when I was younger. Every tunnel has a light at the end. When I found that light I learned. I learned the correct methods to fix the issue that I dislike so much, arguing. Simply put, it get's old after a while. In almost every case, it will lead to further damage in any type of relationship. I dated someone just like that once, but didn't realize it until we were comfortable with one another. In my book being released by the end of this month, "MAKING PARTNERSHIP CHOICES," you can learn all about this in a real-world sense.
You've seen this in many posts by me. We live in three different worlds, and it's true, "A Fantasy World, Our Own World, and The Real World." In this post, we are discussing an argument and how to avoid them. The other information is for clarification and reference purposes.
In every life, there will be some drama and arguing. If it doesn't get out of hand, it can to some degree, be a healthy release of stress and make up sex if your partners is great. DO NOT consider your holiday heated debates about politics or other-worldly issue's arguments. They are just discussions. When many people are together at the same time they get excited. They raise their voice because everyone wants to make their point and need to be heard over the others. However, the potential for an argument to develop is real. Certain nationalities such as Italians, because I am one, always tend to get louder when they are trying to make a point. This is many times misconstrued by others because they may not know or understand the culture. Other cultures share the same traits as well. Now that the basic understanding is out of the way. Let's get to the meet at the post. The argument.
There are certain traits that are innate, meaning, we are born with them. (See BPD definition above) They are part of our DNA. These traits can cause people to think in the following ways:
Feelings that in an argument, there must be a clear winner and loser. And they need to be the person who wins. TIP: No one wins in an argument. By nature, people don't forget. That argument can, and most likely will come up again. Even after it has been supposedly resolved. It could be hours, days, weeks, months, or even years later. However, it will if you don't correct the method.
Every wants to have the last word.
Everyone wants to make sure the other person knows they lost the argument. (Gloating)
Everyone has a different opinion or perception. (Remember, they have a right to that)
Issues triggered by outside sources. (Friends, family or co-workers that are having issues. Don't make their issues yours.)
Trust me, the list can go on. However, these are the most common. What do we need to know?
STAY IN CONTROL. You can't deal with anything if YOU lose control of yourself.
Try to notice these traits within the person might be arguing with. They will be very easy to spot. This will help you not to allow the argument to get out of control.
Is this an issue that is even worth arguing over?
ALWAYS REMEMBER. Although it may get the other angrier, they will calm down. IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT. If you don't want to be a part of it, leave, walk away. I have dated women who will argue over things what to me were ridiculous. However, you must realize this might be an important issue to them. Something that must be considered. I do not believe in arguing. I'm an adult. If someone is not going to speak to me as such, I'm walking away regardless of the issue. Usually once that approach is taken, the other person will think twice the next time it's addressed.
Set the ground rules first. What you agree upon is up to the both of you. You only need to do this once. They should apply to all discussions in order to avoid an argument. Some examples might be:
Time of day. After a stressful day at work and taking care of the kids, is that the best time to have a discussion?
Pick the same room for your talks. NEVER have these types of discussions in your bedroom. Yes, the simple day-to-day things are fine. Your bedroom should represent your quality time together. When you change that perception, its true meaning gets lost.
Now for my tips. Sometimes mnemonics help, so let's try this one: S.U.R.V.I.V.E. Don't Google it. You won't find it, and it's not taught in school. It's mine after far too many years of experiencing what we are talking about. Not only in my personal life, but my professional life as well. It does work. NEVER FORGET. NO ONE EVER WINS IN AN ARGUMENT; THEY ARE ALWAYS ANTI-PRODUCTIVE, AND NEVER PRODUCTIVE. Here we go.
S - Set. An effective way to control to many thoughts at the same time is to set a time frame. For example: Do what works for you. One person has 5 minutes to speak on one part of the topic, then the other person has 5 minutes to respond to it. You can go back and forth as many times as necessary for any part of the topic. This practice helps not to confuse the issue with many different parts of the problem being discussed at the same time. It keeps the conversation on track.
U - Understand. Just because the issue doesn't seem important to you, it may be to them, therefore, it deserves your attention and time.
R - Respect and Courtesy. This is huge. If you don't respect and are not courteous to one another, you are beat before you start. Nothing will work.
V- Visualize. Visualize in your mind the way you would like to see the conversation go. The human mind has a way a taking what it visualizes and puts it into practical applications. Take advantage of that.
I - Interpretation and Interruption.
V - Verbalizing. Speak in your normal tone. When you get excited, your partner's body will release hormones, which are chemicals that will cause them to get excited. Cause them to respond in a different manner. This is a chemical reaction within the brain. It is autonomic. Meaning, it happens automatically. They can learn to control it, but it takes practice to change that behavior. The best way to avoid it is for you to stay calm.
Be sure you are interpreting what your partner is saying to you correctly. Keep in mind that everyone perceives things differently. Your partner may not be expressing it exactly as they mean it to be. Don't snap. If you don't get it, ask them to explain it. Never interrupt one another. That's hard because we all want to get our two cents in. Interrupting breaks a persons train of thought. A thought that might be pertinent to solving the issue. Therefore, the likelihood that they might reopen the issue for discussion is higher because they forgot to say. This happens due to being interrupted. Following this suggestion greatly reduces the chance of that happening.
E- Express. Another huge one. Think before you speak. Listen before you speak. Be sure you know what is being asked before you attempt to answer it. By doing this when you express yourself, you will be addressing the issue or question at hand.
Okay, there you have it. I hope you enjoyed the post and got some good tips from it. Please feel free to leave any comments below. You can also follow me on Twitter @caesarrondina, Facebook - Caesar Rondina Author, and please like the page while you're there, and Instagram - caesarrondinaauthor. And of course on my website www.caesarrondinaauthor.com. On my blog page you can sign up to receive a notification of when a blog post is released. Your privacy is paramount to me. Your email address is completely private and not sold or shared to anyone. Even I can't see it as the page owner. All I can see is the total number of people subscribing. Lastly, if you have a website, I have started a link page with the categories of Writers, Artists, Authors and Bands. The only way to get a very high Google ranking is to have back links to other sites on yours. Meaning, two sites put a link to each other on their web page. Now when Google and other search engines index the sites, all the wen sites listed get indexed therefore increasing the ranking of those sites. My boat captain service website had a Google ranking of 24. That out me about 10 search pages back to find me. When I established even ten links with other sites, in one month my rank went up to 88 which put me on the first page in a Google search. Services charge up to a couple of thousand dollars to do this for people, whereas as a group of people, we can help each other for free. Here is the email link to send me an email if your interested in sharing our web site links.
Thank you .... CJR