DIVORCE! (It's not always as it appears)
Introduction:
This post is a bit longer because the topic is so important. Read it. It's worth it. You might find out you are re4ading about yourself. A young lady emailed me and asked her name not be mentioned, however, she is from the Midwest. It does take time for me to get to every request because I receive so many each week, but I do get to them all. If you have a topic you would like to see me discuss, please feel free to hit the CONTACT button in the main menu and send me your request. Also, feel free to sign up to receive an email notification when a blog is posted. This topic is a serious subject that requires two short parts in order to address it properly. The first being, why do people get divorced, and second, how to avoid it. In all honesty, this topic can be multiple pages long, so I will summarize it. If you want to read more about this and other relationships topics, you can get a copy of my book, "Making Partnership Choices." where these topics and more are discussed in GREAT depth.
DO YOU KNOW SOME BASIC FACTS?
48% of people who get married get divorced before the end of their first year of marriage.
64% of second marriages end up in divorce.
72% of third marriages end up in divorce.
Those are sad percentages. Many years back people did not get divorced for a few reasons. Religious beliefs, it wasn't accepted by society, but mostly the laws were much different. Therefore, there is no accurate data for us to refer to from that era of time. I believe for anyone of those three reason, and others, divorces were not as commonplace as they are today. During those times, women did not have the equality, in one sense, that they have in today's society. Although in the courtroom, they held the upper hand because the courts primarily sided with the women. Men got it right up the rear, but I am sure many may have deserved it. In addition, the courts had to power to deny the divorce and force people to try to work things out. In most cases, this caused a more volatile situation. However, at times it also worked. Basically, it wasn't as easy to get a divorce many years back as it is today.
So let's look at today, because yesterdays are a thing of the past. Do you know what a "No-Fault" divorce is? Simply put, not matter what the circumstances, no one is at fault. A judge may look at special circumstances such as extended incarceration, domestic violence, and other issues, that may bend or twist the meaning of a no-fault divorce. For the purpose of this discussion, I am only speaking to the basic divorces with no special circumstance.
In any relationship, either partner can come home from work and find their partner in bed with another, or catch them at a bar, or meeting someone else anywhere. Years ago that was a slam dunk for the person walking in. Now, for the most part, a no-fault divorce is one where the court assumes that for the marriage to reach that point, it has already broken down. Therefore, no one is at fault. A great legal interpretation, but it doesn't do much for the emotional aspect. What does that mean? Everyone feels they are going to take the other to the bank. Meaning, get it all. Forgot it. No one person gets it all. Certain things the law allows for such as alimony, child support, etc., are a separate issue.
Research shows that over 90% of the cases where one party or the other tries to get everything from the other, which is what each one goes for, ends up in a roughly 50/50 split, unless there are other financial circumstances involved. Imagine how much money could be saved on attorney's fees if both parties just acted like adults to begin with. Yes, attorney fees can get quite high. In the tens of thousands of dollars, only to end up where you did not want to be at in the first place. My question is, what did you actually gain? Win, lose, or draw, the attorney gets paid. Therefore, if you paid an attorney say, 20,000 to get you 15,000, you gained NOTHING, except for possibly satisfaction. After the dust clears, you realize you did not even get satisfaction. Legal Beagle explains it pretty well. Here is the link to there recent article dated Feb. 2019 .
No-Fault Divorce With Separation Requirement:
Some states require the parties to live apart for a minimum length of time before seeking a no-fault divorce. It's called a cool down period. The length of time required varies by state and ranges from 90 days to five years. The states that require a period of separation, and the minimum length of separation, are:
Alabama - 2 years
Connecticut - 18 months
Hawaii - 2 years
Idaho - 5 years
Illinois - 2 years
Louisiana - 180 days
Minnesota - 180 days
Nevada - 1 year
Ohio - 1 year
Pennsylvania - 2 years
Rhode Island - 3 years
Tennessee - 2 years
Texas - 3 years
Utah - 3 years
West Virginia - 1 year
You can see it is pretty much a countrywide trend. No-fault divorces are not about pointing blame, and has nothing to do with Alimony or Child Support. One of the main reasons this was enacted was due to the back log of court cases which many went on for years. However, this goes by the laws of the particular state. For example, in Connecticut, there is a thirty-day waiting and cooling down period. If neither party drops the case, about 90 days later, it goes to court and it's a done deal. However, financial issues could go on longer, but in most cases for the average person, it's one and done. Some states offer a mediator which can hear the case. If you choose that option, both parties agree that the decision of the moderator is final. You would need to check the laws in your state.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT WHY:
People get divorced for a slew of reasons. Here are a few and a link to a good article, HUFFPOST.
When two people get married at a young age, it may be they did it for the wrong reasons. As an example, a reason to get out of the house they aren't happy living in, or they feel they have been together for such a long time, it's time to get married.
Finding out they do not have the same goals.
Infidelity. All the statics on this any many more are in my book Making Partnership Choices. You would be shocked.
Complacency. After the trill is gone, people do may not pay attention to one another as much any more. They will stop doing the things that made them fall in love in the first place. One of my quote: "Relationships don;t die, people kill them."
Intimacy becomes less and less. Especially after kids come into the mix. It is a simple fact of life and time management. Two people must always made some time just for themselves as a couple. This is the primary reason for infidelity.
Now that the two people are living together, one, the other, or both, find out that they are not what they say they are. When you dating, no matter how much you see one another, it is completely different when you live together. Keep in mind, weekends away, a week vacation together away, is NOT the same as living together.
Money. That's a big one. It puts a great deal of stress on a relationship, and most people do not budget well. Another quote of mine, "People can have great sex and less money and be happy. They can have a lot of money and little to no sex and be miserable." The key is to find the right mix.