How do you exist in the lives of others?
INTRODUCTION:
Some may wonder; where the heck did he come up with this topic? Well ... it's really quite simple. Two things happened to me this week that made me decide to write on this topic. First, I spoke at a book club this past week, and we came to talk about "existence." Second, I saw this great tee-shirt on Instagram that read;
"Oh, I'm Sorry. I Forgot I only Exist when You Need Something."
At times, when I see something more than once, I believe there is a reason for it. After thinking about that statement, I decided to make how we exist to others the topic of tonight's blog post, and being Thanksgiving week, it seemed fitting. First let me start by saying;
From my family to yours, I wish everyone a safe, healthy, and
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I will not be stating data or statistics on this topic. It is not that type of topic. This is more of a personal topic. One that affects each of us differently, therefore, the data is irrelevant.
EXISTENCE:
Existence is the fact or state of living or having objective reality. We all know we exist. That's a given. If you are reading this, you exist. Most people wonder whether they are happy with their existence. There are many determining factors that help us to make that choice. The environment we live in, our job, family, friends, financial security, etc. The problem with our own existence is, if we are not happy, people find it easier to slip into a state of depression or acceptance rather than changing what bothers them. For example, a job, although we may not have the control to change that immediately, or at all for that matter. That is where acceptance comes in. Funny, wasn't that a recent blog post of mine? Our own existence is much easier to control versus how we exist in the lives of others. Others such as at work, family, friends, a significant other, etc. There is no need to quote statistics on this because if we all want to be honest, we all have, and maybe still do, think about how we exist in the life of others.
EXISTING TO OTHERS:
What is existing to others? Answer this question. How many times have you felt you only exist to someone when they need something? If you are a parent, you have wondered that many times. How about that good friend that only calls you when they need a favor? How about your significant other that only sucks up to you when they want something? Everyone one of us has, or is, still experiencing this. Relationships, marriages, and many others things have ended over this same feeling. No one wants to feel as if someone only calls them when they need money, a favor, or advice. Also, doesn't it seem that many times when you reach out to them, for some reason they just don't have the time? All of this leads to you asking yourself, "Do I mean anything to these people?"
CAUSE AND EFFECT:
There are many causes for this. Some of it is gender related. Meaning, men in general, as an example, do not talk on the phone as much or have the same type of intimate contact with friends, as many women do. One of my best friends I rarely speak with. However, if needed, we are always there for one another. The key meaning here is; "it's mutual." We both have busy lives and understand that. However, it does not affect our friendship. That is a perfect example of cause and effect. The cause is, we are both busy. The effect is; we understand it but when we need one another, we are there for each other. Again, it's mutual.
When it is not mutual, the cause may be the same. However, the effect is completely different. The person who is never on the receiving end when they need something begins to feel used, alienated, and questions the friendship. In a relationship, the effect can be more devastating. Most enter a relationship with the best of intentions. However, they may not communicate well together. One may not need, or worse, care, about the needs of the other, as long as their needs are met. I was once in a relationship exactly like that. You can tell when this is a problem when one person only wants to talk about their thoughts. They ramble away until they are done. They don't really want your opinion, they just want to talk. Now, at some point you want to talk about your day, or something else, and all of a sudden they don't have time to listen. Or, you want to talk about something as they reply, "I'm not ready to talk about that." Well ... that is fine from time to time, but not as a daily diet. The cause in this case is they are self-centered and selfish, or possibly they have deeper issues. The effect is, after a while, the other person just stops listening, doesn't care, and wonders if they actually matter to the other person. "HOW DO I EXIST TO THEM IN THEIR LIFE." In most cases, people will reach a point where they just feel unappreciated and draw the line. People forget that anything started, can end just as quickly.
IN CLOSING:
You can see how cause and effect works. My example is just one of many, and may happen to us more than once in our lives. What you are experiencing might be the same, different, or a combination of more than one issue. I guess the real question is, how do you fix it? I am well known for saying anything can be fixed. However, the caveat being, it can be fixed but you may not like the option. That is where you need to decide what works for you. For me, unless my life is equally important to someone, as their life is to me, as they expect it to be, my solution is simple. Jump on the entrance ramp and take the highway. Of course, I will address it to try to repair it until it simply isn't working any longer. As people, we must try to stop living in a world where everything is disposable. These are choices you need to make for yourself. The fact being;
How we exist in the lives of those we care about means a great deal to us as people.
For some, they actually gauge their self-worth by these concepts. Do not be so hard on yourself because you MUST remember. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot control others. Therefore, only you can decide what is acceptable behavior to you, and what is not, as well as whether you are willing to accept it. In my opinion, unless there is a specific reason that some has discussed with me so I can understand, that behavior is completely unacceptable.
LINKS TO MY MOST RECENT BOOKS:
This murder mystery trilogy is now complete and available in Print, E-book, and Audiobook.
A Woman's Fear-Female Abuse is a must-read for every woman, and yes, even men.
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