Why Is Everyone's Approval So Important To You? - (How do you choose to live?)
INTRODUCTION:
This would normally be my week for a video blog post. Unfortunately I just returned from a three-day speaking engagement which left me with a good case of laryngitis, so you don't get to see my handsome face this month. My gift to you. When someone writes a blog and accepts topic ideas from others, it's great because you now have a diversified blog, which I enjoy. Thanks to Martin from India for this topic idea. Actually, I read hundreds of social media posts each week for a variety of reasons. The two main ones are for topic ideas by seeing what people are thinking, and I do have an interest in what people say. This tells us how the world is thinking. That is very important information for an author. Lately I have read many posts about how people adjust their behavior to please others. I ask you, "WHY IS EVERYONE"S APPROVAL SO IMPORTANT TO YOU? What about how you choose to live? Surprisingly enough, there are interesting reasons for this. The biggest and most obvious is, it is a learned behavior. From when we are children, we are taught to seek approval. Doing are chores well, getting good grades in school, behaving properly, and more. As a child, we are rewarded for these things by getting more privileges, an allowance, staying up later, etc. Knowing this, what changes? We become adults, and we are no longer rewarded, but we are still expecting a reward because we were taught we would be rewarded when we pleased others and gained their approval. That is the cause. The effect is, now, as adults, some lack a feeling of being a secure person and feeling good about themselves. "Cause and Effect."
CAUSE AND EFFECT:
Cause and effect is the relationship between when something occurs that makes something else occur. In other words, cause creates an effect. Therefore, if someone provides you with a reason that causes you to want their approval, the effect would be what you do to gain it. The real question here is, IS THAT NECESSARY AND WHY?
There certainly are times when you may seek someone's approval that is considered normal and healthy. Examples might be; a relationship, or work. If you have ambitions of getting ahead at work you want to impress people with your abilities. This is a healthy choice because it helps you to become better at what you do. In addition, it is always healthy in a relationship to want your partner to approve of you in regard to your relationship together. This is also healthy as long as it is a two-way street. When anyone in your life "CAUSES" you to want to be a better person, and the "EFFECT" is you become one, that is always a positive step forward in your personal development as an "INDIVIDUAL." Notice I highlighted individual. Why? Simply put, a person can only become a better person if they retain their individuality. When you lose your individuality to become something someone wants you to be which is not being yourself, that is negative.
Let me give you an example. A female friend of mine used to be quite insecure. She would assume the interests that someone she was interested had just to become part of their life. After a while, she was miserable in that relationship because she lost her individuality. Heck, I am not a fan of golfing, and I am not going to take it up just because a woman I like enjoys golfing. That's why she has friends. Enjoy it with your friends. We can enjoy the things we both enjoy doing together. But then, I am not an insecure person. Get it?
In general, we are trained from our days of being a child, we will be rewarded for gaining approval. When we become adults, we find that we are not always rewarded. Therefore, do we go to far with our children by rewarding them rather than teaching them that some things in life are not rewarded, but are a responsibility?
Here's a question for you? Do parents reward a child when they do something that meets their approval to teach a life lesson, or to make things easier for themselves? I get it, I raised three children. There is no peace in a house with three kids. It's easy for a parent to use a reward strategy to keep the little ones calm, so they can get a bit a piece. It's been that way for years, and without getting to deep into medicine which when it comes to psychology, one subject always leads to another. As I will state. In the behavioral sense, not everyone is created equal. That process may work for some, and be quite damaging to others when they get older. Care MUST be taken in this area. Let's move on.
WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?
First, NOT EVERYONE IS CREATED EQUAL. Meaning, in the behavioral sense. We all have a different genetic/DNA makeup up. Some of our traits are inherited. Mostly, those that feel the need to require other's approval do this because of some degree of underlying insecurity. An insecurity that probably stems from a past event, or events, in their life, or possibly how they were raised. This is NOT the more healthy form of needing other's approval, and in some cases can lead to other issues. The funny thing about medicine is, if there is a name for a condition, you probably haven't invented the wheel. In this case, people who suffer from this as an illness are diagnosed with "Histrionic personality disorder." This is one of a group of conditions called "Cluster B" or "dramatic" personality disorders. For people with histrionic personality disorder, their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and does not arise from a true feeling of self-worth. (courtesy webmd) Here is a link to the disorder.
The link is provided NOT as a self-diagnostic tool, but solely as additional research information. If you feel you suffer from this or and other concern. You should always consult your doctor.
IN CLOSING:
I try to keep my blog's within the normal 1500 word range, which at times, can be challenging. However, the purpose of my blogs are to bring things to people's attention. It is their choice what steps they wish to take next, should the topic apply to them. I am always here to answer a question should you want to email me. After many years in medicine, I have learned one paramount lesson. As people, we MUST have the ability to objectively look at ourselves. So what if we find something we aren't happy with. We can always fix it. Also, in life, we MUST find the HEALTHY happy medium that works for us as individuals. What works for one, will not work for all. The reason being, we do NOT come from the same mold. Each mold is different. I follow three concepts in life.
- PURPOSE - REASON - INTENT -
When I do something it needs to have a purpose. I must have a reason to do it, and I must have an intent in mind, meaning, what is my final goal.
With that said, I will certainly do other things just for fun, but those things are not the things that define me as an individual. The things that define me as a person MUST be things that I approve of, not something I am doing to seek approval from others. As I stated earlier. We are all individuals, therefore, we all must find what works for us as individuals. This is the method I choose to maintain my personality of being and feeling like a secure individual. It places me in control of my life. No, it did not come overnight. It came from years of learning about myself, making mistakes, and making better life choices. Learning and knowing that no one else other than me lives my life. Most importantly, before I can be good and help anyone, I must be good to and be able to help myself first. Now, the choices are yours. Remember, none of us are perfect. In a perfect world we can make perfect choices. In a not so perfect world our choices will also not be perfect. It's okay to learn from our mistakes. Thank you ... Caesar Rondina
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