Discovering Relationships. - How do you know what you really want in a partner?
- 11 minutes ago
- 13 min read
INTRODUCTION: What do you desire in relationships
Greeting. I hope all is well with everyone as we all continue to speed through 2026. I received such a heartwarming email from a gal who lives in the Midwest asking a question I think we have all pondered at some point in our lives. Here is one part of her request. "I'm getting older and have been dating for some time now in search of the right partner for me. I'm beginning to think it's a lost cause or I'm doing something wrong. I can't seem to click with anyone I meet. I ask myself: is it me, or do I not know what I am really looking for? Can you discuss this topic?"
We all have different desires and different things we look for in a partner to have a fulfilling relationship. Assuming we know what we are looking for. During my years as a public speaker, I have addressed many groups and audiences on a range of topics. However, this topic has always been the most interesting. The truth is, many people think they know what they are looking for, but in reality, they do not. For example, many say they are not superficial, and looks do not matter. I think they say this because if they say looks matter, people will judge them as being superficial, but the truth is, for most, looks do matter.
If that initial attraction is not there when people meet, they rarely take the time to get to know the person better. The exception to this is when the individual spends time with them and gets to know them better as a person. An example of this might be the workplace or the store clerk you see on a daily basis. Dating sites are the worst because very few people actually post the most current picture of themselves. Now, when they might, one or the other is in shock, and it is doomed from the start. I wonder, don't these individuals think whoever they meet isn't going to notice that they are 20 years older than their online photo?
If you ever did any online dating, you would have probably found that everyone enjoys the same things. Movies, dinner, golf, walks on the beach, skiing, sports, intimacy, and other common pleasures. Have you ever experienced this? Have you ever read a profile that says, I just like to stay home and relax. PERIOD! Between years of traveling, working two jobs, and other things, I freely admit I enjoy getting out a couple of days a week, but the rest of the time I enjoy quiet nights at home having dinner and watching good movies. I make this very clear whenever I meet someone. Yes, I do make time to date. My days of climbing Mt. Everest, cross-country skiing, hiking ridiculously long trails, and standing out in the sun on 100-degree sunny days to hit a golf ball are long over.
The issue really lies in the fact that people are not honest with themselves or with others. I ask you, are you honest with yourself? Do you really know what you want in a partner? Do you really know what you want for yourself? Of course, we all want the common things. Someone who is a good person, has strong values and morals, is trustworthy, attractive, a good communicator, and a host of other things. My father, may he R.I.P., always said, almost any two people can get along when they are out in public, at parties, socializing with others, or at events. Why? Because they are distracted from one another due to whatever activity they are doing. The real test is when they are home alone.
Living with someone is very different than dating them. Even spending a weekend or an occasional getaway is different from living together. When you live together, no one goes to their separate homes at the end of the night. I know couples that have a great time together when they are out or go away. However, at home, they rarely speak to each other. That said, if you have a great deal of money and can live that lifestyle, you'll probably do just fine. However, these are the exceptions, not the rule. So let's look a bit further and try to figure out what you really want in a partner.
UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IN A PARTNER:
Determining what you genuinely want in a partner can be daunting, often complicated by societal expectations, personal experiences, and emotional influences. Many individuals find themselves in relationships that don’t serve them well because they haven’t taken the step to deeply understand their preferences and values. To navigate through this, it’s crucial to pinpoint your desires and prioritize your needs.
Where do I start?
Understanding what you genuinely want in a partner begins with self-reflection, open communication, and a willingness to explore your emotional being. By following a structured approach, you can identify and articulate your relationship needs more effectively.
Discovering Your Relationship Needs:
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your past relationships. What worked? What didn't? List specific traits that you appreciated or disliked.
Identify Core Values: Create a list of values that are non-negotiable for you. These can be honesty, loyalty, ambition, or kindness.
Tip: Consider using the "Five Whys" technique. If you list honesty as essential, ask yourself why it matters, and delve deeper into each layer of your reasoning.
Visualize Your Ideal Relationship: Imagine your life with a partner. What does a typical day look like? What activities do you share?
Communicate Your Desires: Articulate your needs and preferences when dating. Open communication helps set the right expectations and filters out incompatible partners.
Tip: Use “I” statements to express your needs clearly. For instance, “I feel most comfortable when there’s open communication” rather than “You don't communicate enough.”
Test Your Hypotheses: Engage in casual dating or social gatherings to test which traits resonate with you. Note your reactions to different personalities.
Recognize Patterns: Analyze your dating history for recurring themes. This might reveal your subconscious attractions or deal-breakers.
Solicit Feedback: Talk to trusted friends or family about your experiences in relationships. They may offer insights you haven't considered.
Embrace Personal Growth: Understand that as you evolve, so too will your preferences. Engage in personal development activities that refine your character and clarify your desires.
Pros and Cons of Self-Discovery in a Partner
Pros
Clarity: Understanding your needs leads to healthier relationships. When you know what you want, it's easier to filter out unsuitable partners.
Improved Communication: Articulating desires fosters open dialogue, reducing misunderstandings in relationships.
Stronger Foundations: Focusing on core values helps build a resilient partnership based on mutual respect and understanding.
Cons
Introspection Can Be Challenging: Facing uncomfortable truths about past relationships can be painful and may lead to self-doubt.
Overshooting Expectations: High standards can lead to disappointment or a scarcity mindset, where one feels that no partner will ever be "good enough."
Evolving Needs: What you thought you wanted can be a moving target; your needs may change as you grow, creating relationship instability.
ACHIEVING CLARITY IN RELATIONSHIPS:
Create a Relationship Vision Board: Compile images, quotes, and attributes of your ideal partner and relationship into a visual format. This engaging activity can make your desires tangible.
Engage in Mock Dating Scenarios: Role-playing with friends about common dating situations can offer new perspectives on how you might handle various relationship dynamics.
Utilize Personality Assessments: Tools like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Enneagram can illuminate traits that resonate with your ideal partnership. Take these assessments seriously as conversation starters with potential partners.
Establish Deal-Breakers: Clearly define traits or behaviors that are unacceptable to you, whether it's lack of ambition, dishonesty, or poor communication. This will prevent future heartache.
Stay Open-Minded: While clarity is important, staying open to unexpected traits can yield wonderful surprises. Sometimes what you think you want isn't what you need.
Things To Avoid:
Overemphasizing Physical Attributes: Focusing solely on physical traits can distract you from crucial emotional and intellectual compatibility.
Fear of Vulnerability: Allowing yourself to be vulnerable can be terrifying, but it opens the door to deeper connections. Avoid building walls that keep potential partners at bay.
Comparison with Others: Monitoring what other couples have can create unrealistic expectations. Focus on your own journey and values rather than societal norms or friends’ relationships.
Rushing the Process: Finding the right partner takes time. Avoid settling for the first person who meets some of your needs; give yourself the grace of patience.
Neglecting Self-Care: Prioritizing relationship discovery while sidelining your well-being can lead to burnout. Ensure you nurture your own needs throughout the process.
Real-Life Applications of Gaining Clarity
Laura's Journey: After multiple failed relationships, Laura dedicated six months to self-discovery. By reflecting on her priorities, she realized she needed someone patient and nurturing. When she met Tom, a gentle listener, she felt an immediate connection built on trust and understanding.
Jake's Experience: Jake took a personality assessment that revealed how his introverted nature clashed with that of extroverted partners. This awareness led him to seek partners who appreciated quiet evenings over loud social gatherings, thereby enhancing his romantic experiences.
By thoroughly examining your desires and needs, you can better navigate the dating landscape and enhance your chances of forming a fulfilling partnership. Identifying what you seek in a partner isn’t just about preference; it’s a foundation for future growth and shared experiences.
Common Issues in Identifying What You Want in a Partner
1. Misalignment of Core Values
Scenario: You meet someone who is charming and intelligent but discovers they have a radically different outlook on family life. You value stability and dream of raising a family, while your partner feels indifferent about having children.
Solution: Take time to have deep conversations about life goals and values early in the relationship. Write down your personal and relationship goals and compare them with your partner’s. It’s crucial to address any major discrepancies head-on before investing more time.
2. Overemphasis on Physical Attraction
Scenario: You find yourself dating someone largely based on physical attraction. As the relationship develops, you realize that while they may be attractive, there’s little else holding your interest beyond the surface.
Solution: Establish criteria that go beyond physical traits. Create a list of qualities you admire in others, such as kindness, humor, intelligence, and shared interests. Use this as a guide to identify what you truly value and ensure these qualities are present in potential partners.
3. Fear of Vulnerability
Scenario: You struggle to be open due to past relationship trauma, leading to superficial connections with others. Every time someone shows interest, you keep them at bay, fearing pain or rejection.
Solution: Start by gradually sharing more about yourself with friends or in safe environments. Practice being vulnerable in low-stakes situations. This can help build confidence in opening up to potential partners. Choose a calm moment to share your feelings with someone you’re dating, using “I” statements to express your challenges without putting them on the defensive.
4. Confusion about Relationship Pace
Scenario: You feel pressured to move quickly in the relationship, while your partner prefers to take things slow. One person can feel anxious about the pace, leading to misunderstandings and tension.
Solution: Have an open discussion about relationship pace. Set specific timelines for when you both want to reach certain milestones, such as meeting friends or discussing exclusivity. This helps set expectations and alleviates anxiety about where the relationship is headed.
5. Lack of Communication on Needs
Scenario: You feel neglected as your partner never seems to prioritize your emotional needs. They may spend weekends playing video games or hanging out with friends, leaving you feeling isolated or unwanted.
Solution: Set aside time for a "check-in" where you both can express your needs in the relationship. Use this meeting to articulate how certain behaviors affect your feelings. Use "I feel" statements to communicate your needs without blaming your partner, helping create a productive dialogue.
6. Romanticizing Past Relationships
Scenario: You realize you often compare potential partners to an ex, idealizing past experiences and making it difficult to appreciate new connections.
Solution: Create a list of the lessons you learned from your past relationships and what you don’t want to repeat. By focusing on growth, you can shift your mindset to what you truly desire in a new partner. This will help separate past nostalgia from current realities.
7. Inconsistent Communication Styles
Scenario: You and your partner often argue because one of you prefers texting while the other feels more connected through phone calls. This leads to frustration and miscommunication.
Solution: Discuss your preferred communication styles openly. Determine a balance that works for both, such as regular phone check-ins throughout the week and texts for quick updates. Compromise and adjust based on what each of you needs from the other.
8. Incompatibility in Conflict Resolution
Scenario: You find that your partner tends to shut down during arguments, while you prefer to talk things out immediately. This leads to unresolved issues piling up and growing resentment.
Solution: Set ground rules for conflict resolution. Agree upon a cooling-off period if emotions run high, followed by a time to revisit the topic when both are calm. Acknowledge each other’s styles and work together to find a middle ground for discussing disagreements.
By addressing these specific scenarios and solutions, you can gain clarity on your relationship desires and better navigate the complexities of finding a compatible partner.
IN CLOSING:
Relationships aren't rocket science, but they do take some effort. Finding the right person takes time and is not easy. However, knowing what you want in a partner makes the process go smoother. Everything changes with time. Nothing stays the same. Understanding what you truly want in a partner is a journey of self-discovery that requires reflection, honesty, and openness. By taking the time to explore your values, preferences, and relationship goals, you can gain clarity on the qualities that are most important to you. Remember to consider not just the surface traits but also the deeper emotional and intellectual connections you desire.
No one is perfect. We all have flaws. The trick is to know whether you can accept someone's flaws, because not all flaws can be fixed. Especially as we get older and more settled in our ways. As you navigate this process, stay flexible and allow for personal growth, as your needs or your partner's may evolve over time. Ultimately, knowing what you want will empower you to form healthier, more fulfilling relationships that align with who you are as an individual.
Never expect someone to change. We must first accept people for who they are. If we cannot do that, if we don't like what we see, why make it your goal to change them? That could be a recipe for disaster. They should also accept us for who we are. Some traits may be deal breakers for some, while others may not be. Some behaviors people may be able to change, and others, not so much. Better to learn this sooner than later, before too much time and emotions are invested in a relationship that will eventually fail. How many times have you said, or heard a friend say, "I knew it, I couldn't get them to change."
I am happy to inform you, and very pleased, that I sent this post to the individual who emailed me before it went out for publication. She responded and thanked me, saying she found it very helpful and educational, and that it helped her look at things differently. I wish her only the best in her quest to find what she desires. Let's move on to the last section. My favorite part. The Q&A section.
Common Questions Related to How Do You Know What You Really Want In A Partner:
Q. How can I begin to understand what qualities I desire in a partner?
A. Reflect on your past relationships and consider what you appreciated and what you didn't. Make a list of traits and values that align with your personality and life goals.
Q. Is it important to have a list of must-haves for a partner?
A. While having a list can be helpful, it's also essential to remain flexible. Focus on core values and traits that truly matter to you rather than an exhaustive checklist.
Q. How can I differentiate between wants and needs in a partner?
A. Needs are traits or characteristics that are essential for a healthy relationship, such as respect and communication. Wants are preferences that enhance the relationship, like shared interests or specific physical attributes.
Q. Should I consider my own values and beliefs when determining what I want in a partner?
A. Absolutely! Your values and beliefs lay the foundation for compatibility in a relationship. It's crucial to find someone whose values align with yours.
Q. How do I identify if I'm seeking a partner for the right reasons?
A. Reflect on your motivations—consider whether you're seeking companionship, love, or validation. Healthy partnerships are based on genuine connection, not just escaping loneliness or societal pressure.
Q. Can my friends and family help me understand what I want in a partner?
A. Yes, discussing with trusted friends or family can provide insights into what traits you value. They may also notice patterns in your past relationships that you might not see.
Q. How do past relationships influence what I want in a partner?
A. Past relationships can teach you valuable lessons about what works for you and what doesn't. Use these experiences to refine your understanding of your needs and desires.
Q. What role do personal interests and hobbies play in choosing a partner?
A. Sharing common interests can enhance compatibility and connection, but it's also important to respect and appreciate each other's individual pursuits. Balance is key.
Q. How can I avoid settling for less than I want in a partner?
A. Stay true to your personal standards and take your time in the dating process. Trust your instincts and don’t rush into a relationship just to fill a void.
Q. Is it okay for my preferences in a partner to change over time?
A. Yes, it’s completely normal for your preferences to evolve as you grow and gain more life experiences. Regularly reassess what you want to ensure it aligns with your current self.
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