What Do You Think About The Word Trust? - do you totally trust?
INTRODUCTION:
When it comes to trusting others, there are many types of trust as they apply to different circumstances, and they each hold a different priority in ours lives. The trust we are talking about now is trust in your partner. A gal and avid subscriber from California requested I speak about this topic. However, regardless of the type of relationship you are in, the word trust only has one meaning. That meaning may slightly change depending on whether the word trust is used as a verb or a noun, etc. However, the basics meaning is the same. The keys words in its definition are;
CONFIDENCE, CREDENCE, FAITH, AND STOCK.
CONFIDENCE, meaning a level of comfort in what someone tells you. CREDENCE, meaning you accept what someone is telling you is true. FAITH, meaning your ability to believe in something or someone. STOCK, in this case, means do you hold a value on what someone is telling you.
Let's look at some data. In general, one-third of Americans do not trust others. Frankly, I think that percentage is actually higher. In a survey back in 2016, it was found that 10% of married couples don't trust their partner. Sadly, today, that figure is more like 35%. Remember the facts. 48% of first-time marriages end up in divorce in the first year. Now it's impossible to know without surveying every divorced couple in that group what percentage was due to trust issues, but the numbers certainly are not impressive. The good news is that it is slightly on the decline because it is thought that in today's society, couples are getting married for the first time at an older age. I guess there is something to say for growth and wisdom.
LET'S SEE A SHOW OF HANDS:
If I were to ask you to raise your hand if you DO NOT, or have DOUBTS about whether you TOTALLY trust your partner, how many of you would raise your hand, and how many would we see?
Franky, that's quite a few. Remember, no one could actually see you raising your hand. However, you do need to be honest with yourself. The leading cause of mistrust is that we totally trusted someone that hurt us at some point in our lives. That scar does not go away easily, and most times, it never totally does. I think it is safe to assume that each of us has had someone betray our trust at some point in our life. Possibly, even more than once. I will also go out on a limb here and say that probably more than once, you have said to someone, "Do take out on me what someone else did to you."
To some degree, everyone takes a piece of their past forward into their present and their future. It's a normal human characteristic. And yes, it is perfectly normal. The trick is not to have what has happened to you in your past affect your present and future. How many POSSIBLE strong relationships do you think have been missed because of past trust issues? Now, let me be clear. I am NOT saying NOT to exercise caution. What I am saying is everyone deserves a chance. Let me use myself as an example. But first understand, you need to know yourself to be confident about yourself. If there is one thing in life I do know, it is myself, and I know myself very well. Trust to me is like the Holy Grail. If I place my trust in someone and they use, abuse, betray or play with it. There is NO forgiving. It's one and done. Oh, and by the way, I make that clear upfront. No surprises with me, and no saying, "you never told me that!"
Let's use a romantic affair as an example. I'm a grown man and wear big boy pants. There is NO reason for any woman to cheat on me, nor will I accept any excuse. Why? Because I make it clear that is a deal-breaker and something I could never forgive anyone for doing. If someone wants out, all they have to do is say so, and they can walk away and will NOT find me chasing them. I am NOT a ball and chain to anyone or anything. The difference between me and many others is I will never forget the experience but will NEVER let it affect my next relationship. I will trust until that individual gives me a reason not to. Why? Because it is no one's fault or responsibility for what someone else did to me. Therefore, why would I take it out on someone new?
The key to trust is communications. If there is something you question or something you need to know, ask. NEVER let it burn a hole through you. You may not always like the answer, but you will always get the truth. You can always explain the truth. We all need to remember that often when someone is questioning their trust in you, it might be related to their past, and a simple conversation will clear it up.
INDEPENDENCE VS. DEPENDENCY:
I have always believed that two people in a relationship need to be equally independent of one another as they are dependent on each other. We call that balance. If I or anyone else wants to be totally independent of anyone, then why be in a relationship in the first place? The fact is that people like that are usually not in relationships. At least not ones they need to commit to. Many forget that they no longer affect them when they are in a committed relationship; they affect both people in the relationship. This leads us to the word COURTESY. I don't care if the girls from work are stopping for a drink after work. By all means, enjoy your friends. Just show me the courtesy of letting me know. If I give you the impression you need to ask my permission, I am at fault, and I own that. If I am running late or get tied up somewhere, is it that hard for me to call my partner and let them know?
People are creatures of habit. Meaning, most times, people get home from work simultaneously each day or leave at the same time. Basically, we all follow some routine. So when that routine changes and you do NOT show your partner the simple courtesy of letting them know, isn't it reasonable to think that they might get worried? SOmething a quick phone call could have fixed, and probably avoid an argument later. These are some of the rebuilding blocks of trust.
Trust is not commanded. It is earned. Earned by your actions, words, and deeds.
No one wants to be told what they can or cannot do. Two people need to establish what is and what is not acceptable to them. What is and what is not expected by them. Most times, these come as the relationship grows. However, when something is NOT acceptable, or an expectation is NOT met. It needs to be addressed. Preferably at the time, providing that time is appropriate. The phrase, "Treat me the way you want to be treated," is nothing more than a problem waiting to happen because people have different expectations and may want to be treated differently.
IN CLOSING:
I can go on and on about this topic. However, it's only a blog post, not a novel, and I have only begun to scratch the surface. However, I have given you enough information and foundation for you to answer the question, "What do you think about the word trust - and do you totally trust?" Many say a relationship is about give and take. I believe it goes much deeper than that. Certainly, that is a part of it, but only one part of it. Give and take comes naturally when there is healthy communication between two people. Without it, you have a recipe for disaster. No two people can give and take without communicating. Lack of communication, by the way, is the number one reason for failed relationships. Therefore, what does that tell you? Communicating is a skill, and not everyone is good at it. It takes time, patience, and practice. Also, no two people communicate the same way. It takes time for people to learn what works best for them. However, without it, you might find yourself in that 48 percentile range. Being independent and dependent is also something where two people need to find their way, which works for them, not what works for their friends.
Your relationship(s) are unique to you and the other person in it with you. It's not the same as what works for other couples. It's what works for you and your partner. There is no right or wrong. There is a right or wrong way to approach it, but whatever level of comfort your relationship finds itself in is what is right for you. Therefore, do not compare yourself to your girlfriend or your guy friends. Do what works for your relationship. And yes, this applies to every type of relationship. It's not gender-specific. You both will find out soon enough what works for you both, preferably before moving in together or getting married. To have total trust, you both need to give total trust. It's a two-way street. Let go of the past. This is your present. Someone new. No one deserves to be judged by the actions of another. Their actions, words, and deeds will give you the basics that you need to make your choices.
Stay safe and be well,
Caesar Rondina
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